Warning: This post is not for the squeamish.
“It hit the shredder!” Somehow I manage to get that sentence out through hysterical laughing. My wife, who is in the kitchen bursts out hysterically laughing too. We’re both overly tired from frequent wake ups during the night, a day long “I refuse to sleep or be comforted” marathon, and just general concern over the baby. So what else can a parent do but burst out laughing when their child projectile poops a record-setting distance of 7 feet! For you basketball fans out there, that’s like pooping from the floor clearing Lebron James by 4 inches!
There’s plenty of things that people tell you before you have a child, plenty of advice that they give. You take child care classes, scan websites, read books, all to make sure you are prepared to take care of your new bundle of joy. But you’ll quickly learn that all of these sources of information do little to prepare you for the absurdities that come with parenthood.
Newborn poop. Like Skittles, it comes in a rainbow of colors (just don’t “taste the rainbow”). From green to brown to yellow to orange to even blue sometimes, you never know what you’re going to get. In the hospital you’ll get that first poop…thick and black and tarry. Then, hey, no one seems to mention (or I didn’t pay attention to) the transition poop(s). Yeah, I’m taking massive brown thickness that a child that small should not be able to produce. But then, thankfully (at least for a breast-fed baby), they make it to their normal looking and consistency poop. For breast-fed babies that means the look and consistency of a grainy mustard…I’ll never look at grey poupon the same way again.
So there’s the color and consistency…but then there’s the frequency. In the first few weeks this kid pooped at every meal. Eat, poop, sleep…eat, poop, sleep…. (say that to the tune of “I think I can”) Non stop fun. Oh, and let’s not forget the power behind these poops that gave us the record-setting projectile poop mentioned above. Just imagine one of those t-shirt guns at a basketball game, just instead of shooting out a t-shirt…BOOM! POOP! I mean this would be impressive for a 400lb man after a trip to the buffet. And sometimes, just for fun, as we’re changing him he’ll top it off with a bit of foamy goodness.
And lastly, let’s not forget the “Surprise Dad!” poop. You know, the one that comes while you’re holding him, the one that comes while you’re changing him, the one that comes in the bathtub after you’ve already washed him. Oh, and my favorite, the one that comes when you’re wearing a white shirt and holding his naked body for a newborn photo shoot.
Since becoming a dad I’ve been pooped on more times than I can count. But you know what, because I love this kid so much I don’t even notice it. I just clean it up and keep on trucking. It’s amazing how such a wonderful blessing can turn off your “ick” reflex.