Projectile Poop

Matt Orlando
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Warning: This post is not for the squeamish.

“It hit the shredder!”  Somehow I manage to get that sentence out through hysterical laughing.  My wife, who is in the kitchen bursts out hysterically laughing too.  We’re both overly tired from frequent wake ups during the night, a day long “I refuse to sleep or be comforted” marathon, and just general concern over the baby.  So what else can a parent do but burst out laughing when their child projectile poops a record-setting distance of 7 feet!  For you basketball fans out there, that’s like pooping from the floor clearing Lebron James by 4 inches!

Lebron James headband
I think you just got blasted!

There’s plenty of things that people tell you before you have a child, plenty of advice that they give.  You take child care classes, scan websites, read books, all to make sure you are prepared to take care of your new bundle of joy.  But you’ll quickly learn that all of these sources of information do little to prepare you for the absurdities that come with parenthood.

Newborn poop.  Like Skittles, it comes in a rainbow of colors (just don’t “taste the rainbow”).  From green to brown to yellow to orange to even blue sometimes, you never know what you’re going to get.  In the hospital you’ll get that first poop…thick and black and tarry.  Then, hey, no one seems to mention (or I didn’t pay attention to) the transition poop(s).  Yeah, I’m taking massive brown thickness that a child that small should not be able to produce.  But then, thankfully (at least for a breast-fed baby), they make it to their normal looking and consistency poop.  For breast-fed babies that means the look and consistency of a grainy mustard…I’ll never look at grey poupon the same way again.

So there’s the color and consistency…but then there’s the frequency.  In the first few weeks this kid pooped at every meal.  Eat, poop, sleep…eat, poop, sleep…. (say that to the tune of “I think I can”)  Non stop fun.  Oh, and let’s not forget the power behind these poops that gave us the record-setting projectile poop mentioned above.  Just imagine one of those t-shirt guns at a basketball game, just instead of shooting out a t-shirt…BOOM! POOP!  I mean this would be impressive for a 400lb man after a trip to the buffet.  And sometimes, just for fun, as we’re changing him he’ll top it off with a bit of foamy goodness.

And lastly, let’s not forget the “Surprise Dad!” poop.  You know, the one that comes while you’re holding him, the one that comes while you’re changing him, the one that comes in the bathtub after you’ve already washed him.  Oh, and my favorite, the one that comes when you’re wearing a white shirt and holding his naked body for a newborn photo shoot.

Since becoming a dad I’ve been pooped on more times than I can count.  But you know what, because I love this kid so much I don’t even notice it.  I just clean it up and keep on trucking.  It’s amazing how such a wonderful blessing can turn off your “ick” reflex.

Let’s Hear It!

What’s your favorite newborn / toddler poop story?

8 thoughts on “Projectile Poop

  1. Oh my gosh, I cracked up over this!!! Brings me back, man, brings me back. I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old…and the youngest was the “floater” child. You’d hear screeches coming from the bathtub (my husband does bath time) and you’d KNOW what that was all about.

    Then there’s the time my oldest was getting the hang of potty training and pooping…and suddenly couldn’t figure out what to do, so she pooped her pants and it fell out on the floor…and rushing her to the potty while she’s singing “Poop poop poop, I’ve got MORE!!!!!”

    And then there’s the time my oldest was in the corner of the living room (she was about 1.5) while I was making dinner and her daddy was enthralled in the TV show COPS. Yes, COPS. lol It’s quiet…and I ask what she’s doing. “Reading a book.” Okay, she does that. Two minutes later, she’s pulling on my shirt… “Momma, wookit.” Great. “Honey!!!!! She got into the cat box!!!!” No…not that at all. That nugget she was holding was her own…and her poop was all over the corner where she was “reading a book”. He got cleanup. LOL

  2. This is hysterical & brought back memories! I have 5 kids (now 12 and older) and we’ve had lots of poop memories. My HS son & I will have discussions while running (boys never grow out of this phase..) and we finish with side stitches and ear-to-ear grins! Poop is the great equalizer in life – cause everyone does it…

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